


Carded Out

by blackroseteal



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Homophobic Language, Literally one word, M/M, Occasional swearing, just trying to stay true to Ronans character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 13:40:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20779496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackroseteal/pseuds/blackroseteal
Summary: Ronan keeps trying to keep his feelings about Adam secret, which is getting harder to do after two weeks of bringing back love letters from his dreams.What happens when Adam finds out?





	Carded Out

**Author's Note:**

> Literally could not restrain myself from not posting this. First time writing for this fandom, tell me what you think!

Ronan woke up by opening his eyes. His body was still stiff as a board on the bed as he fought the effects of sleep paralysis and sweat dripped off of his forehead. Finally, his limbs began to loosen and he sprang off the bed. 

Chainsaw cawed from her place on the window sill and ruffled her feathers. 

Ronan sighed and went to take her into his room, closing the open window from the rain that had started to pour.

He scrubbed a hand over his head and went to collect the cards.

***  
It started about two weeks ago. 

Since then Ronan had tried to stave off sleep for as long as possible, drinking and blasting music through his headphones. When he had to dream, they weren’t always the same. 

Sometimes he dreamt of sunlight filtering in through the leaves as he walked through Cabeswater, his hands grazing across trunks until he finally found a boy who stood waiting for him in a clearing, wearing a Coca cola shirt and a soft expression.

Sometimes there would be thunderstorms and lightning and Night horrors, all of them flashing through a blood red sky. Seeking refuge in his room in the Barns, Ronan would lay on his bed enveloped in tan, freckled arms as the sky broke apart.

Nonetheless, in the morning dozens of love letters (in his own writing) would be littered across the floor of his room and spilling off of his bed. All addressed to Adam. All of them true. 

Ronan had realized his feelings for Adam were different than the rest of his friends for some time now, and the knowledge had left his chest constricted and his limbs heavy, as if he were walking through sludge.

He knew that his betrayal had to be kept secret. He could never reveal his feelings to Adam. 

Adam. Intelligent, amazing, strange, beautiful, uncanny. An incredible boy hidden in a lean body and ratty clothes. Only his pale blue eyes seemed to reveal any part of who he was and how he worked.

Ronan intimately knew that Adam worked three jobs and killed himself to stay on top at Aglionby. He needed his friends. He needed to get away from his horrible family. 

And selfishly, Ronan couldn’t lose Adam. Not because of this.

***

“Where is the fucking milk?” Ronan mumbled, carrying a box of cereal in one hand as he scanned through the fridge.

Gansey pushed up his glasses and looked away from the book he was reading. “Oh, that reminds me; we really need to go grocery shopping soon”.

Sniffing, Ronan took his seat at the table and sullenly started munching through his dry corn flakes.

“Adam and Blue are here.” Noah said as he stood from halfway inside of a wall.

Ronan rolled his eyes. “Jesus, at least try to act like you’re real.”

Noah stuck out his tongue and disappeared right as the doorbell rang. Gansey was now fully submerged in his book so Ronan pushed out his chair so it scraped against the floor and went to get it, Chainsaw flying behind him to settle on his shoulder.

Blue looked as vibrant and pissed off as ever, hair sticking in a million directions with about fifty layers in of a million and one different colours.

Ronan leaned against the doorway. “You look like a walking art installation; A Study in Blue”. He smirked as Blue flipped him off and brushed by, leaving him alone with Adam.

It was still drizzling slightly outside, and Adam’s hair was starting to curl and stick to his forehead, his T shirt sticking in places to his body and showing off his lean frame.

“Going to let me in?” Adam asked and Ronan looked up. There was dark bruising under his eyes, and a tired smirk on his lips.

Ronan frowned slightly and angled his body so Adam could get past, tracking his movements with his eyes. Adam toed of his shoes and called Chainsaw, who took off from Ronan’s shoulder to land on Adam’s. 

“I fucking feed you!” he called out, though he could feel the corners of his lips tugging up. 

He trailed after Adam into the kitchen.

Gansey had closed his book and was talking rapidly as Blue stomped around the kitchen, slamming cupboards and drawers until she gathered up cereal and yogurt and came to sit beside Gansey. He smiled fondly at her.

“Rough morning shift?” he asked.

Blue glared into her yogurt, “Sexist pigs.”

Gansey grimaced and brushed a strand of Blue’s hair behind her ear as she blushed before immersing himself back in his book.

Ronan felt his heart pang and snuck a sidelong glance at Adam. He had grabbed a glass of water and headed into the living room, sprawling onto the couch and closing his eyes. He stretched out and exposed a long stretch of throat and his shirt lifted to reveal a sliver of golden skin. 

Ronan swallowed. 

Noah drifted through the wall again and then became more corporeal, lifting himself up onto the counter near Ronan and kicked his legs childishly. 

“Ah, I miss the days of being a hormonal, pining teenager.” 

He smirked at Ronan.

Ronan threw him out the window again.

***

Since it was Saturday, the start of a long, dreary weekend according to the weather forecast, they decided to stay in. It was a good thing too; Ronan’s limbs had begun to ache after all the perilous, useless hiking they had done. He was guessing he wasn’t the only one.  
Only Gansey seemed unaffected, eager to hunt down Glendower in rain or snow. The tired gazes of Blue and Adam stopped him. 

It had started to pour again, and as the water splattered against the windows and distorted the view of the outside world, Gansey excitedly announced that they should make a fort. 

The thunder began in earnest while Blue and Adam worked to gather pillows and blankets from each of the beds, Gansey directing the fort’s design like an architect fervently explaining the infrastructure of a skyscraper. Blue’s energy had brought Noah back into the world and he kept looking warily at Ronan while Ronan lounged lazily on the couch, tracking his friends with half lidded eyes. Or rather just a certain lanky boy, whose freckles had been washed away by the grey light.

After about half an hour, the fort was ready, furniture arranged in place while cushions were stacked precariously atop each other and blankets spilled over to pool on the floor. 

The buttery smell of popcorn filled the air when Ronan returned from the bathroom, only to find that everyone had already disappeared inside the lopsided monstrosity that took up the entire living room. 

Lightning flashed and Chainsaw cawed loudly from her perch on Ronan’s shoulder.

“Ronan! Get in here!” Blue called from inside, sounding like she was underwater.

Ronan told himself that he was only trying to get Chainsaw away from the storm as he struggled to move about a thousand blankets aside.

He found Blue and Gansey sitting next to each other on the corner of the mattress, while Noah and Adam were sprawled back against the foot of the couch. Gansey’s laptop was playing some dumb movie from the other end of the matress, while all the snacks and drinks were piled in the middle. 

“If that’s a romance movie then count me the fuck out.” Ronan promised as he moved to sit beside Adam, struggling to ignore the other boy.

He saw Adam turned and grinned at him from the corner of his eye. “It’s not. I made them choose action; you’re very predictable”

Their arms had brushed slightly together when Adam turned and Ronan realized he was holding his breath. It came out in a great whoosh. “Oh yeah? And you’re very annoying.”

“Weak.” Adam replied, shaking his head and grinning before turning back to the movie. 

Ronan settled Chainsaw on the mattress then struggled with what to do with his hands, the urge to fidget making his skin itch.

Being this close to Adam was both a blessing and a curse. He could feel the heat coming off the other boy, and the smell of gasoline on his skin, and could imagine the bright spark behind the other boy’s blue irises, his whip trap of a mind paying as much attention to the movie as it did to lectures. 

Ever since the shift in his feelings toward Adam, one that started slow and then ripped the carpet out from under his feet and left his heart pounding, he couldn’t ignore the presence of the other boy, his mind unconsciously tracking Adam’s every move.

Like the way he chewed on his lip as he concentrated, or how his long, dextrous fingers interconnected as he wrapped his arms around his legs.

Or how, half way through the movie that Ronan was barely paying attention to, his muscles tightened up and his jaw clenched. Ronan was instantly alert, trying to follow Adam gaze to what had scared him. Ronan looked back toward the movie.

It was a flashback scene, and a young girl was hiding and crying in a field, the camera alternating between shots of the kid and an angry looking man dressed overalls, yelling and holding a belt in one hand as he searched through the field. Ronan swallowed and looked back at Adam.

Gansey and Blue had just noticed as well, and awkwardly glanced at each other and then at Adam. Blue looked worried; “Adam…” she began.

“Leave it, it’s fine,” Adam said tersely, without looking away from the screen. 

Ronan knew that he wasn’t going to say anything else about it, and that he wouldn’t let them change the film because of him. Adam would read their concern as pity, and his own trauma as weakness, and Ronan felt sick because of it. He shook his head minutely at Gansey, and silence ensued where only the tiny voices could be heard on screen.

Adam was still rigid beside him, and Ronan took a deep breath before moving close enough to press the entire length of his body along Adam’s side. If it was possible, Adam tensed up even more and Ronan held his breath, keeping his eyes fixed on the screen. 

Time dragged on and as more seconds passed Ronan was severely beginning to regret his decision. 

All at once the muscles in Adam’s arm relaxed and he leaned into Ronan so that there wasn’t as inch of space left between them. Ronan took a deep breath, didn’t dare to move, then Chainsaw apparently became tired of pecking at a bag of doritos. She ruffled her feathers in annoyance and waddled into Adam’s lap, tucking her beak into her feathers.

Adam let out a quiet huff of laughter and glanced at Ronan.

Ronan tried not to grin, “Joint custody then...”

The loud crash of a car sounded from the screen, but Ronan didn’t give a fuck. It was all he could do not to grip Adam’s fine boned hand in his own, to press the boy to himself and cradle his head and try his best to convince him how amazing he was, all of his kindness and inherent goodness.

He managed to restrain himself and settled with clasping his hands together in his lap while all of his attention narrowed to the all of the places they touched.

By the time the movie was finally over, Blue was quietly snoring into Gansey’s neck and Noah had disappeared.

Ronan and Adam awkwardly shuffled out of the fort, Adam cradling Chainsaw in his palms. They stretched and took a second to enjoy the fresh air. The moon was shining through the rain and through the filtered silver Adam looked ethereal, all lean muscle and an expressive mouth and brilliant eyes.

Ronan desperately wanted to kiss him.

He gave Chainsaw back to Ronan and when they looked up Ronan realized how close they were.

All he could hear was the pounding in his heart and his hands began to sweat. With his face turned, only the side profile of Adam’s face was visible. Ronan had no idea what he was thinking, and a sick feeling settled in his stomach.

If he dared, Adam would reject him, push him away and stop speaking entirely to him once he realized Ronan was a faggot, which was undoubtedly what his father had used to describe people like him. 

Ronan would never have this friendship again; he would lose Adam’s trust, the way his eyes shone sometimes when he was looked at Ronan, his snide comments in class, his compassion, the wonderfulness of his every movement and the complexity of his fragile joints and thin wrists and amused smirks and mischievous grins…

Ronan tripped as he stumbled back and tried to convince himself that he hadn’t seen a flash of hurt in Adam’s eyes. When he caught himself and stood up, Adam was standing ramrod straight and his face unreadable.

“Noah won’t be back until tomorrow; you can take his bed. Never fucking uses it anyway.” Ronan said, looking away. 

Adam didn’t say anything, and Ronan turned and stalked to his room, shutting the door firmly before pounding the pillows on his bed, feeling the tears drip off his cheeks and onto the mattress. Chainsaw cawed worriedly and Ronan snatched up his headphones from the floor and blasted the music. He didn’t notice falling asleep, but he knew it wasn’t until the first rays of the sun had begun to sneak in.


End file.
